This is so gorgeous and well done Janel. True, sweet, sad, funny, insightful. Great descriptions, great detail, great quotes, great beginning. great ending, terrific fluidity and lovely, feisty sentences. I just loved it.
It's funny timing, this post that appeared in my Inbox this morning, the day after my dad passed away. It's been a long road, with Alzheimer's firmly driving the bus. We had to say goodbye to him long before he physically left, so I feel like this grief should somehow be different? Less than, somehow, because of how long it's been drawn out. And yet.... and yet, and yet, and yet. But maybe, like you so eloquently put, I won't try and figure it out. Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart.
So I read in a David Sedaris essay, the following quote about grief from Saul Bellow that has stuck with me.
“Losing a parent is something like driving through a plate-glass window. You didn't know it was there until it shattered, and then for years to come you're picking up the pieces -- down to the last glassy splinter.”
I think this is especially true with a complicated situation like yours or in the many conflicted, difficult relationships between parent and child. I was so lucky with my parents.
Sweet Janel, as so many have said already, your writing is beautiful and your sentiments are clearly so resonant to so many.
I didn’t get the phone call with every episode but I did get it every time I had a Director credit. My episodes were always “The Best” because “ we can always understand what is going on in your episodes.”
My mom is now 98 and lives in my guesthouse here in the middle of Connecticut. I know “I’m so lucky.” I hear that a lot.
She is still sharp as a tack but she is moving a good bit more slowly these days. It is just 60 feet from my front door to hers and she still manages fairly well but she needs my help with little things each day.
It is really not that much but I often struggle because I never imagined this would be my life.
Since I am now divorced and my son is off in college I am ostensibly alone as her caretaker. It is just me and, honestly, sometimes I lose it. One too many packages from Amazon or one too many “when you have time “ and I get triggered and think “Where the Fuck Is Everyone Else!” ?
But I promise that today I will use your piece as inspiration to look at the glass as half full and try not to get upset when she needs another picture hung or she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Or she beats me at Wordle ( which happens quite a lot ) or she gives me ointment for my aching joints because she doesn’t need it. :)
Good writing makes you think. It makes you assess, makes you evaluate. My mother died 800 miles away during my obligatory 40th birthday surprise party. Had no clue at the time why she didn't call me or why I couldn't reach her. My wife's mother is 92, still going strong, and undoubtedly the nicest person on either side of the equator or anywhere else. Without fail they talk every day, and since she's only 80 miles away get together often. One message from this exceptional essay: celebrate this side of the grass.
I found your writing while looking for a moment of something without grief and I think it was when you were writing about your mum (mom? I'm Canadian and we're conflicted). It was at any rate when you were traveling back home from out west with your kids and your pup who put on a real show. I didn't know it was you until the end of the piece so I was hooked already by your writing. My best friend of 48 years was dying - the first anniversary of that will be on the 16th and another very close pal was to follow three months later. I was and am already paralyzed with grief and sorrow and anger with what is happening in the states and truly around the world. I'm a psychotherapist and writer and both throw me in front of my own projections all the time. In the last year I often say to clients that they aren't crazy, the world is truly banjaxed right now (and possibly fatally) and any other reaction but rage and grief and fear is not going to be authentic unless you have no feelings. I still watch West Wing even though the contrast is so painful. At least I know I'm alive and I love and have loved. thank you for your writing which is lovely and I'd happily phone you every time your show is on tv and tell you how brilliant you are. You're a good kid.
Yeah there’s a lot to be sad about but my mom would say that This too shall pass. That’s a heavy lift I know but I’m hanging on to that!! Thanks for the offer to call me. When my sisters get sick of me I’ll send you my number😊
It will be six years in April since we lost our mom. My siblings and I were kids when our dad died, and mom demonstrated so much strength for so many years, keeping everything together. My sister and I are now two old ladies in our sixties, and every once in a while one of us will say to the other, "gosh, mom hasn't called in a while. What's that about?" And the other will say, "Yeah, I know, right?" And I think we always will. "
This is a beautiful piece that made me think about her this morning. Thank you.
Your words were more than beautiful—they were perfect. They reminded me of a quote often attributed as a Jewish proverb, though its true origins are uncertain. Many attribute it to Rudyard Kipling:
“God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.”
Your mother sounds like the embodiment of unconditional love and omnipresence.
Janel, your beautiful words honor your mother not just as a person you loved, but as someone who brought something transcendent into your life.
Oh, how this hits, Janel. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss and the grief (yes, I said it) of this first anniversary. I lost my Dad (who raised me and would be the one who would have made those phone calls and often listened to me talk endlessly without asking about him) almost three months ago. Watching my go-to West Wing has been one of the ways I've been coping with my grief. I'm also missing him extra today. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing. Sending compassion. 💜
Janel, your writing is so personal and conversational, and I'm looking forward to catching up on the essays. I joined this platform for that reason; I think my phone must've heard me rewatching West Wing, and Facebook dropped your post in my feed! You are the funniest part of that show to me (although I have favored John Spencer, in anything, since at least 1985). Keep up the excellent essays; this one was so touching. I think our parents are always proud of us when we honor them.
Your mom sounds a lot like mine, though if the word cuntiness ever left her lips all of us would have dropped dead on the spot. She claims to have never farted, though of course she never used that word for it. And I can't watch West Wing anymore because the disconnect with reality is just too daunting. Loved your lovely writing about your mom, here's what I had to say about mine. Thanks for getting-to-watch-you-and-the-rest-three-times-all-the-way-through in the before times.
Janel- I keep thinking about your honesty and transparency in your writing and how I admire it/you so. I feel you and your full humanness. It’s a gift and it moves me. A special moment ripples over me as I read it, feel more me and more ok than the moment before. Makes me want to mama you and say to you what I would probably say to my girl, “keep going, you’re doing really great! Keep going!”. Xx
Gorgeous, Janel. I just had a good cry. It made me miss my mom for so many of the same reasons. I feel like my mom left me at a party she brought me to, and I really miss her💔
This is so gorgeous and well done Janel. True, sweet, sad, funny, insightful. Great descriptions, great detail, great quotes, great beginning. great ending, terrific fluidity and lovely, feisty sentences. I just loved it.
Well thank you Lizzie. I write for you and Meegan so ✅❤️
Me too!
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, and that warmed my heart, as did your using the word "cuntiness."
Anyone who doesn’t like that word can stop being such a…no that’s too far. lol.
"A, you can never go too far." ---Ferris Bueller
It's funny timing, this post that appeared in my Inbox this morning, the day after my dad passed away. It's been a long road, with Alzheimer's firmly driving the bus. We had to say goodbye to him long before he physically left, so I feel like this grief should somehow be different? Less than, somehow, because of how long it's been drawn out. And yet.... and yet, and yet, and yet. But maybe, like you so eloquently put, I won't try and figure it out. Thanks for sharing this piece of your heart.
So I read in a David Sedaris essay, the following quote about grief from Saul Bellow that has stuck with me.
“Losing a parent is something like driving through a plate-glass window. You didn't know it was there until it shattered, and then for years to come you're picking up the pieces -- down to the last glassy splinter.”
I think this is especially true with a complicated situation like yours or in the many conflicted, difficult relationships between parent and child. I was so lucky with my parents.
I can actually hear David Sedaris's voice in my head while reading that quote.
Sweet Janel, as so many have said already, your writing is beautiful and your sentiments are clearly so resonant to so many.
I didn’t get the phone call with every episode but I did get it every time I had a Director credit. My episodes were always “The Best” because “ we can always understand what is going on in your episodes.”
My mom is now 98 and lives in my guesthouse here in the middle of Connecticut. I know “I’m so lucky.” I hear that a lot.
She is still sharp as a tack but she is moving a good bit more slowly these days. It is just 60 feet from my front door to hers and she still manages fairly well but she needs my help with little things each day.
It is really not that much but I often struggle because I never imagined this would be my life.
Since I am now divorced and my son is off in college I am ostensibly alone as her caretaker. It is just me and, honestly, sometimes I lose it. One too many packages from Amazon or one too many “when you have time “ and I get triggered and think “Where the Fuck Is Everyone Else!” ?
But I promise that today I will use your piece as inspiration to look at the glass as half full and try not to get upset when she needs another picture hung or she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Or she beats me at Wordle ( which happens quite a lot ) or she gives me ointment for my aching joints because she doesn’t need it. :)
Omg Chris what a great comment. I think you need to write some essays yourself!!! I miss and love you dear friend! 😘
Aww Elaine!!!!! Thank you friend. Same to you as always.❤️
Good writing makes you think. It makes you assess, makes you evaluate. My mother died 800 miles away during my obligatory 40th birthday surprise party. Had no clue at the time why she didn't call me or why I couldn't reach her. My wife's mother is 92, still going strong, and undoubtedly the nicest person on either side of the equator or anywhere else. Without fail they talk every day, and since she's only 80 miles away get together often. One message from this exceptional essay: celebrate this side of the grass.
So many stories from different readers lives. So touching. Thanks for sharing Mike. ❤️
I found your writing while looking for a moment of something without grief and I think it was when you were writing about your mum (mom? I'm Canadian and we're conflicted). It was at any rate when you were traveling back home from out west with your kids and your pup who put on a real show. I didn't know it was you until the end of the piece so I was hooked already by your writing. My best friend of 48 years was dying - the first anniversary of that will be on the 16th and another very close pal was to follow three months later. I was and am already paralyzed with grief and sorrow and anger with what is happening in the states and truly around the world. I'm a psychotherapist and writer and both throw me in front of my own projections all the time. In the last year I often say to clients that they aren't crazy, the world is truly banjaxed right now (and possibly fatally) and any other reaction but rage and grief and fear is not going to be authentic unless you have no feelings. I still watch West Wing even though the contrast is so painful. At least I know I'm alive and I love and have loved. thank you for your writing which is lovely and I'd happily phone you every time your show is on tv and tell you how brilliant you are. You're a good kid.
Yeah there’s a lot to be sad about but my mom would say that This too shall pass. That’s a heavy lift I know but I’m hanging on to that!! Thanks for the offer to call me. When my sisters get sick of me I’ll send you my number😊
Raised by a Canadian mother and an English grandmother, “Mum” is a natural for me too. Muss them both very much. ❤️💔
It will be six years in April since we lost our mom. My siblings and I were kids when our dad died, and mom demonstrated so much strength for so many years, keeping everything together. My sister and I are now two old ladies in our sixties, and every once in a while one of us will say to the other, "gosh, mom hasn't called in a while. What's that about?" And the other will say, "Yeah, I know, right?" And I think we always will. "
This is a beautiful piece that made me think about her this morning. Thank you.
My mom said you aren’t old until 80. Let’s go with that. 😂
She sounds like she was a wonderful woman!
Janel,
Your words were more than beautiful—they were perfect. They reminded me of a quote often attributed as a Jewish proverb, though its true origins are uncertain. Many attribute it to Rudyard Kipling:
“God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.”
Your mother sounds like the embodiment of unconditional love and omnipresence.
Janel, your beautiful words honor your mother not just as a person you loved, but as someone who brought something transcendent into your life.
May her memory be a blessing.
Here's to mums much missed.
Oh, how this hits, Janel. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss and the grief (yes, I said it) of this first anniversary. I lost my Dad (who raised me and would be the one who would have made those phone calls and often listened to me talk endlessly without asking about him) almost three months ago. Watching my go-to West Wing has been one of the ways I've been coping with my grief. I'm also missing him extra today. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing. Sending compassion. 💜
Janel, your writing is so personal and conversational, and I'm looking forward to catching up on the essays. I joined this platform for that reason; I think my phone must've heard me rewatching West Wing, and Facebook dropped your post in my feed! You are the funniest part of that show to me (although I have favored John Spencer, in anything, since at least 1985). Keep up the excellent essays; this one was so touching. I think our parents are always proud of us when we honor them.
Your mom sounds a lot like mine, though if the word cuntiness ever left her lips all of us would have dropped dead on the spot. She claims to have never farted, though of course she never used that word for it. And I can't watch West Wing anymore because the disconnect with reality is just too daunting. Loved your lovely writing about your mom, here's what I had to say about mine. Thanks for getting-to-watch-you-and-the-rest-three-times-all-the-way-through in the before times.
https://jonathankronstadt.substack.com/p/a-day-in-the-death
Someone posted on a #TWW group about substack (new to me!!) and that you blog.....so have just wandered over and read this ....just ❤️🏴❤️
Janel- I keep thinking about your honesty and transparency in your writing and how I admire it/you so. I feel you and your full humanness. It’s a gift and it moves me. A special moment ripples over me as I read it, feel more me and more ok than the moment before. Makes me want to mama you and say to you what I would probably say to my girl, “keep going, you’re doing really great! Keep going!”. Xx
Elaine I adore you. Thank you smart wonderful person. ❤️😘💕
Gorgeous, Janel. I just had a good cry. It made me miss my mom for so many of the same reasons. I feel like my mom left me at a party she brought me to, and I really miss her💔
I love you😘
I’m so touched you read. Thank you honey. I so love (and worship, don’t forget the worship) you. ❤️❤️